No Contact Rule: How Long, and What Breaks It
The Bureau is asked how long the no contact rule lasts more often than it is asked anything else. The short answer is thirty (30) days, and sixty (60) to ninety (90) where the relationship was long or the ending was disputed. What follows is why those figures, and what the Bureau counts as breaking the period.
How long does the no contact rule last?
Thirty (30) days is the Bureau's minimum. It suits a relationship of under a year that ended once, cleanly, and by a decision either party could describe in a single sentence. Where the arrangement ran longer than two (2) years, where the ending was contested, or where it has already ended and restarted, the period is sixty (60) to ninety (90) days.
Four things move the figure: the length of the arrangement, whether the ending was mutual or delivered, whether there is a betrayal on the file, and how close the parties must stand afterwards. Proximity does not shorten the period. A shared lease, a shared workplace, a shared dog and a shared circle of nine (9) people who all attend the same things lengthen it, because the period has more to survive. If you cannot decide between thirty (30) and sixty (60), take sixty (60). Nobody has attended the counter to complain that they waited too long.
One exemption, stated plainly. Where a relationship involved violence or threats, or where contact you have asked to stop has not stopped, this advisory does not cover the matter. That is not a thirty (30) day period. That is the police, and people you trust, and it should not wait for a schedule.
What is the no contact period actually for?
It is not a punishment, though the Bureau notes it is frequently administered as one. A month spent proving a point is a month spent thinking about the other party at full volume, which is the condition the period is meant to interrupt. The period exists so that the impulse to make contact can arrive and leave without being acted upon. It comes in waves: late at night, after drinking, after a small piece of news you have nobody else to tell. The waves do not stop because you answer one. Answering restores the wave to full height.
Thirty (30) days is about the shortest period in which several waves can be expected to arrive, crest and pass while you do nothing at all. That is the mechanism: not distance for its own sake, but repetition. You are not waiting for the feeling to end. You are waiting for it to stop issuing instructions, which happens sooner and is easier to verify.
A period observed in the hope of a reply is not a period of no contact. It is a waiting room. The Bureau has no objection to waiting rooms, but they should be recorded under the correct heading.
What counts as breaking no contact?
Any deliberate contact with the other party, and any deliberate observation of them. That is the whole test, and it is broader than most people would prefer.
The Bureau treats the following as contact: messages and calls, answered or not; replies and reactions to anything they post; viewing their stories from an account they know to be yours; messages to their friends that concern them; attending a venue chosen for the likelihood they will be at it; and the return of property that could reasonably have been posted.
Administrative contact is exempt. A lease, a bond, a car, a shared animal, a child, a roster, and a wedding you both agreed to attend nine (9) months ago are legitimate business. The Bureau asks only that such contact be made in writing, confined to the matter, and closed when the matter closes. The words "while I have you" mark the point at which administrative contact stops being administrative.
If you break it, do the thirty (30) days start again?
Sometimes. The Bureau grades breaches rather than voiding periods, on the basis that a rule which collapses entirely on one bad Tuesday is a rule nobody finishes.
A conversation, meaning anything that drew a reply and continued, restarts the period in full. A message sent and not answered adds seven (7) days. Looking is noted and restarts nothing: a story, a profile, an old photograph opened at length. The condition attached to the looking clause is that it be recorded honestly, and not eleven (11) times in one evening.
No breach requires an apology to the other party, and the Bureau discourages one. An apology for making contact is contact. The period is not a test of character. It is a schedule, and schedules are kept badly by most people who keep them at all. Kept badly, it still works.
What happens on day thirty (30)?
Less than the reader hopes and rather more than they expect. The first week is the worst and is survived mostly by being busy and slightly bored. Through the second and third weeks the urge arrives in bursts, most persuasive between eleven at night and two in the morning, and most dangerous when disguised as something practical: a book to return, a question only they can answer.
By the end of the period most parties report that the other person has not left their mind but has stopped giving orders. "Do I still think about them" is the wrong question and returns a bleak answer for years. "Did I do anything about it last night" is the right one.
Day thirty-one (31) is a decision, not a permission. Many completed periods are simply extended, on the reasoning that the reader has seen what the quiet is like and prefers it. If the thirtieth (30th) day feels identical to the first, extend to sixty (60) and treat that as ordinary rather than as failure. Long relationships do not have short periods. For the particular minutes in which this advisory is least persuasive, the Bureau's Random Testing Unit maintains a breathalyser at the counter. Thirty (30) days is not undone by a month of feeling. It is undone by ninety (90) seconds of it.
Common questions
How long should the no contact rule last?
- Thirty (30) days is the Bureau's minimum, and it suits a shorter relationship that ended once and clearly. Where the relationship ran more than two (2) years, ended badly, or has already ended and restarted, the period is sixty (60) to ninety (90) days. If you are undecided between two figures, take the longer one. Periods are far more often abandoned early than made too long.
Does no contact work if you want them back?
- It is not a technique for producing a reply, and periods observed as one tend to fail, because the party serving them is checking rather than resting. Contact does sometimes resume afterwards, and the period is not what caused it. What a period reliably does is leave you in a steadier condition, which is worth having whether the arrangement resumes, ends, or stays exactly as unclear as it is now.
What counts as breaking no contact?
- Any deliberate contact and any deliberate observation. Messages and calls, answered or not. Replies and reactions to their posts. Viewing their stories from an account they know to be yours. Passing messages through their friends. Turning up where they will be. Returning property that could have been posted. Contact about a lease, a child, a shared animal or a work roster is exempt, provided it stays in writing and stays on the matter.
If I text my ex, do I have to start the thirty (30) days again?
- It depends on what happened. A conversation that drew a reply and continued restarts the period in full. A message sent and not answered adds seven (7) days. Looking at a story, a profile or an old photograph is noted and restarts nothing. No breach requires an apology to the other party, and the Bureau discourages one, on the grounds that an apology for making contact is contact.
Is 30 days of no contact enough?
- For a shorter relationship with a clear ending, yes. Thirty (30) days is long enough for several urges to arrive and pass unacted on, which is the whole mechanism. It is not long enough to stop missing someone, and it was never meant to be. If the thirtieth (30th) day feels identical to the first, extend to sixty (60). After a long relationship that is the ordinary outcome, not a failure.
Can I look at their Instagram during no contact?
- The Bureau records looking as contact, on the grounds that it does to you what a message does: it restores the person to full size and resets the day. Muting is preferable to unfollowing where unfollowing would start an incident. Blocking is permitted and is not a statement about anybody's character. It is a lock on a door you keep opening at midnight.