Rate the Hookup: The Morning-After Audit
The hospitality audit for encounters concluded. The checklist concerns the premises and the protocol — never the person. The Bureau audits hospitality, not humans, and its intake enforces the distinction.
Form CO-9 — Audit of Overnight Hospitality
Figures publish once cells clear the Bureau's k-anonymity floor. The annual report compiles them with commentary the city has earned.
What the Bureau audits
Complaints & Standards assesses the dwelling, not the company. The audit covers five things: whether water was offered without being asked, the thermostat setting, the pillow count, what if anything was served in the morning, and the exit protocol. Each is a fixed choice. None of them concern the other person's conduct, appearance or performance, which is a constitutional limit on the Division — the Bureau audits hospitality, not humans.
The standard is not generosity, it is preparation. Two pillows per occupant. A thermostat set for two. Water within reach. Something in the morning, even if it is instant coffee taken standing up. Hosts consistently overestimate how much the evening counted and underestimate how much the towel did.
Common questions
What counts as good hookup etiquette?
- The Bureau's position is that hospitality is the whole of it. Water offered without being asked, a spare towel, a thermostat set for two people rather than one, and a clear, unhurried indication of what happens in the morning. None of it is romantic. All of it is noticed.
Should you offer someone breakfast after a hookup?
- Something is materially better than nothing, and instant coffee standing up still counts. The Bureau grades breakfast in tiers because the gesture matters more than the menu: being fed, however minimally, is the difference between a guest and a delivery.
What is a good exit protocol?
- Graceful means both people know when the morning ends and neither has to ask. Adequate means it was resolved without awkwardness but without warmth. A fire drill is the third category, and the Bureau records it without comment because the phrase does the work.
Is the Debrief anonymous?
- Entirely. The audit records fixed choices about the dwelling and its hospitality — water, thermostat, pillows, breakfast, exit — and never anything that could identify the host. Optional free text is screened before it is retained, and the Bureau audits hospitality, not humans.
How many pillows should a host have?
- Two per occupant is the standard the Bureau applies. One pillow for a second person is not an oversight; it is a statement about how long they were expected to stay.
Related counters
Where the complaint concerns volume rather than hospitality, the Thin Walls Index takes reports. Where the arrangement itself has never been defined, the situationship test will classify it. The full directory is held at Online Services.